My Thoughts on “American Cheese”… an Editorial – Marcella The Cheesemonger International Guilde des Fromagers
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My Thoughts on “American Cheese”… an Editorial

The Lady has a friend, Julie, who dared her to bring home a slice of American “cheese” for me to sample and review.

Holy smokes, I suppose according to an incredibly loose definition, this might be “cheese”; but this is not a cheese that you should feed your feline friends, your canine friends and especially not to the children.

To legally qualify as cheese there must be a set of ingredients: milk, salt and starter cultures. It would appear that American cheese started with milk at some point long ago in its past; but that’s all it has in common with the cheeses to which I have become accustomed.

Call me a cheese snob…”my name is Spaulding Gray and I am a cheese snob”.

As early as 1790, the United States was exporting American-made cheddar to England and Europe. The British, who considered it inferior to English cheddar, nicknamed it “American Cheese” or “Yankee Cheese”. The name stuck, even after the American Cheesemakers began producing cheeses that were of quality equal to, and in some cases, superior to English cheddars.

The use of the name continued in America as well and was used when referring to American cheddar until processed cheese came along. And here’s where the government comes into the picture… they seduced J.L. Kraft into creating “a cheese food product” for the troops… as The Lady said, in a less than lady-like manner, “One more time those rat ass bastards messed up something that didn’t need messing up… and shame on them for thrusting their mess-up on our troops…”

Of course “mess” is hardly the word she used… preferring another four letter word when referring to those rat ass bastards in the US government… and to my friends in the government… those are The Lady’s words and opinions and shouldn’t be associated with my feelings about you and your dealings…but I digress…

The individually-wrapped American Cheese slices, used for cheeseburgers and “regular” grilled cheese sandwiches, have the least relationship to cheese. They are literally poured onto the plastic and left to emulsify.

Processed cheeses and “Cheese Products”, such as Velveeta, don’t need to be refridgerated until their wrapping is opened. And here’s a little-known factoid. You only need to refridgerate it to keep it from drying out; not to spoil. This stuff doesn’t spoil. It will outlast the cockroaches that will finally rule the earth after the nuclear blast… although The Lady claims they are currently ruling certain hotels in Manhattan…

If it doesn’t look like cheese; doesn’t smell like cheese; doesn’t taste like cheese and doesn’t moo…

Finally, in case you missed it… American Cheese is not cheese.

I can’t give this cheese even 1 Claw; much less a Paw…where’s the Epoisses

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